Every day is truly a challenge. Getting up, going to sleep, eating, walking, attending the things I need to attend to. I have neither motivation nor any real desire to go about to do these things. I am tired of the constant feeling of exhaustion. My neither parents, nor do the majority of my friends know about my depression, and while I do not feel like I am ready to tell them, none the less, I am exhausted from keeping it a secret. My parents believe that the symptoms of this severe depression that I've had over the last ten years are just simple laziness, lack of motivation and a wanton excuse to comit nothing but to enjoyment. I loose myself in things, such as books, movies, sport jerseys, hats, gloves, shoes and even militaria. I collect, needlessly, gaining a little excitement and happiness upon purchase but not gaining enough of a joy out of it in the long run. Most of these things that I enjoy to collect, sit on shelves, or in the closet, collecting dust. Disintegrating into nothingness. I am tired of being stressed, of being anxious, of always looking at the worst case scenario for every possible, potential outcome. I am tired of worrying about everything. Of worrying about school, about getting things done, when I cannot seem to find the energy, or motivation to do them. I am tired of worrying about my health. I have gained some weight over the past few months, which my parents continue to berate me about. My mother, keeps posting pictures around the house from five years ago when I had been much slimmer (even though, than, they had been unhappy with my "healthy and weight"); I worry about my heart and my blood pressure, which I had to go to the Emergency Room for, because it had been so high, the headache so painful that I thought I was having a heart-attack. I anxiously think of the fact that my father had been nine years older than me at this moment when he died.
I'm tired of everyone and everything. Of things not going my way, of people consistently bickering about their boyfriends or girlfriends or their friends girlfriends and boyfriends. I am tired of my friends, but I feel worried and anxious about disappointing them and breaking off potential friendships due to this depression.
While I may be tired day to day, feel sick and worried with anxiousness of how much time I have yet to live, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. My feelings may not be perfect but I am alive.
I have come to adhere to the principle that while things may not be perfect, that while this depression has definitely been crippling, I have accomplished much in my short life. Even in the last few months, I have met a wonderful person who I have started dating, I have met and created a bond between the family of the significant other and friends. I have been able to land a job in a field that I have remote interest, no matter what the hours and pay have been and after a year off from school, I have been able to get back.
While my marks may be suffering from my inability to focus and motivate myself, I know that things will only get better as time goes on. This feeling of unease, of stress, of anxiousness and tiredness, this feeling of chest-pain and overall worry about health all stem from my depression.
Perhaps that while it may not seem logical, it gives me some peace and comfort. It gives me the acknowledgement that while I am a unique individual, with a unique set of circumstances I am not alone.
I guess the constant worry about health is a by-product of the worry that I am somehow doomed, that all these feeling stem from some problem with my vision, with my brain, with my heart, with my kidneys.
I am tired of being afraid. I worry that sometimes I will die in my sleep, I worry excessively when I have been cleaning something as simply as the bathroom and felt like I had smelt too much of the mist from the cleaning solution. That I would somehow be poisoned. I’m tired of worrying about what everyone around me thinks of me, of what I should say or do, that will make sure I never upset anyone, or say anything that might upset someone, especially those that I love dearly.
I would like to sleep, without worrying about my dreams, without wondering what they mean. Without a feeling of guilt, anxiousness or stress, I would like to sleep to stave off the feelings that I need to get things done, but I know that’s not a possibility. I need to face life as it comes at me, without undermining everything else that happens.
Light will be there at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark the road may be.
